4. Realisations From My 20s
On my 30th birthday, I asked for life advice from those of my friends who were above thirty. My friends Grace and Aizyl didn't think that advice seemed appropriate because of its subjective nature. This made perfect sense because no two lived experiences are identical and what might work for them may not be relevant to me.
Coincidentally, I had just read Ben's blog on how careful he is about projecting himself as a thought leader. He had a birthday a while ago and wanted to list 42 lessons he had learned but felt that it was too much like a think-piece so he decided to go with 42 admissions instead. Ben likes the idea of admissions because it's things he got wrong, or feel uncomfortable about. He feels that in the midst of a pandemic, we ought to be more human and share more of ourselves.
I love this idea of questioning the functions of our online spaces and how we conduct ourselves in them - why we post what we post - and our responsibility as participants in the internet. In my practice of writing here, I am also learning to check myself to avoid sounding preachy or ostentatious. Sharing my life here or on other platforms has been a way for me, like Ben, to build connections, to ultimately make sense of the world.
For me though, I prefer the term 'realisations' to 'admissions', only because it feels less rife with guilt. There were things I did in my 20s which sprung from severely poor judgments but the past is the past and I now regard these moments as opportunities for reflection.
One. And this is a very important One. Some time in my mid-20s, I discovered zines and was completely blown away by these DIY-anarchist-punks and their radical ideas. It made me question everything I was taught and fed by the institutions that I grew up believing were fair and just. This became the impetus for the change in my position about race, religion, and class, to one that advocates for social equality and progressivism.
Two. There is no shame in having more than one interest. This is the myth of specialisation: we believe that specialisation intrinsically holds greater value, as opposed to a broader, more generalised skill set. This works fine in the system we exist in but it doesn't hold authority in the realm of our hobbies and passions. For years, I was made to believe that I lacked focus, but it was really curiosity that was mistaken for aimlessness. So, we're not all Picassos, but I'd rather not lose out on all the other discoveries the world has to offer.
Three. In hindsight, I should probably not have spent most of my savings on stuff. I came into some money in my early 20s and with little to no self-control squandered it mostly on exorbitant shipping fees for American fashion pieces. This was also around the time Kickstarter began gaining popularity, and with minimal research, I practically threw money at every cool thing I saw. As it turns out, there are only so many ways you can redefine a backpack.
Four. When I first found out my long-distance girlfriend cheated on me, I felt paralysed and sickened. In the weeks that followed, I compared every aspect of myself to the guy she cheated on me with. I wondered about what I was lacking that led her to behave this way. Afterwards, we agreed to work things out but my insecurities started seeping into the relationship so eventually she broke up with me. Forgiving someone requires celestial strength, but I wasn't up to the task so it ended before it could even begin to heal.
Five. I attended church since I was a baby in my mother's arms up till I was 21. My experience was not all harrowing. It had its moments and it was the church that cemented the values I considered important to my identity. But while I recognise that there were some good things that came out of it, the church was not a welcoming place for anyone that fell outside their definition of holiness. There was a severe lack of empathy amongst members; any grappling with sin was to be prayed away through submission; any doubts about the bible were an indication of unfaithfulness. In a space that purportedly promoted love and kindness, it felt like there was no place for me unless I played by the rules.
Six. Smoking was one of those habits I picked up because 1) I thought it would make me appear more masculine and 2) I was struggling to build rapport with people I needed to network with for work, so pretending I needed to borrow a lighter sometimes led to conversations I would otherwise find difficult to start. I left the job eventually and stopped caring about what people thought, but by then the habit had graduated to an addiction. It wasn't until I was told by a friend that smoking punctures holes in our auras that I began to question my actions. I'm not a big believer in mysticism but that analogy stayed with me. Several months later, I quit cold turkey which to this day is one of the best decisions I've ever made. I don't know what my aura looks like but I'm hoping the gaping holes like ruptured wounds have now healed shut.
Seven. Nothing was more inconsistent than my circle of friends during my early to mid-20s. I was constantly meeting new people, often oscillating between friend groups, swapping one close friend with another, and being replaced by others too. The thing is, friendships sometimes work because of proximity. Bonds develop from the physical and emotional closeness of daily interactions. When I remove myself from a familiar environment, I find it challenging to maintain the same level of intensity I once had. This doesn't mean that the friendships were meaningless; only that energy levels are finite. What I've come to realise is that people are a lot like seasons - they come and go - but the echoes of these friendships crystallised in memories will stay with me, always.
Eight. After I moved out from my dad's, I decided to live like a minimalist. I got rid of most of my possessions and was only allowing myself to own a hundred things. It was an incredibly inconvenient lifestyle to sustain. I couldn't keep sentimental mementos, was perpetually doing laundry, and became obsessed with counting my things as a form of keeping score. From having little to no awareness of the dangers of overconsumption, I was now on the other end of the spectrum. I don't regret the exercise in restraint - it has definitely reflected how materialism can be self-destructive - but I do think a life where you have to think so hard about whether or not you should keep a gift is antithetical to the principles of intentional living.
Nine. It is possible to end relationships on good terms and still be friends. I am grateful for an ex, that despite going our separate ways many years ago has remained one of my closest friends today. I have nothing but love, respect and admiration for her and the friendship we've managed to keep. It didn't start out easy but we got there and I'm so proud of us.
Ten. Mornings used to be difficult for me. I would wake up with just enough time for a shower and a sugary breakfast before heading off to work. Over time, I started to feel the effects of the poor structure of my morning routine. By the end of the day, I would be worn out, dejected, and unmotivated to do anything for myself, and then the cycle would repeat itself the next day. It wasn't until I incorporated a morning routine that prioritises my physical and mental health that I began to feel like I had restored some control to my schedule. These days I dedicate the first hour of my mornings to some form of exercise, a nutritious breakfast, and most crucially 30 minutes of reading time, and it has made a world of a difference in terms of wanting to get out of bed.
Eleven. In 2017, I started The Burrow and it was possibly the most terrifying thing I had to do in my career as a barber. It was a one-man barbershop so I had to show up practically every day and couldn't afford to have vacations or be ill. It was a gamble too because I had already secured a repeat clientele in a different location and moving out from that town into a new one risked losing them all. I neglected to understand that the work will speak for itself and there will be people who will follow you no matter where you end up. The truth is you don't really begin again from ground zero. As long as the foundation is strong, the network will prove to be impervious.
Twelve. Given my feelings about capitalism, I am profoundly thankful to past me for choosing a career in barbering over corporate. Of course it's not a bed of roses in the customer service industry, but not contributing to the perpetuity of the unequal distribution of capital is a good start. Creative fields like barbering encourage expression and in my business I have the opportunity to foster solidarity with certain marginalised communities, making for meaningful work.
Thirteen. Some of the things I learned about the world, I learned while I was travelling abroad. Before going to Krakow, I had some knowledge about the atrocities of the Holocaust but I didn't realised the extent of the horrors until I visited Auschwitz. The second world war was barely touched in school and most of what I knew was from chance appearances in the books I was reading. It's one thing to know the facts but it's another to be standing in the spot where people were so ruthlessly dehumanised and death so zealously industrialised. It was a sombre experience, difficult to shake off years after my visit, but one that was vital in prodding questions and stirring empathy for humanity.
Fourteen. Friends are so important in shaping who I am as a person, and I've noticed that I become the people I spend time with. It's true when they say that you are the five people you hang out with most. I've seen that happen to myself and maybe I'm just highly susceptible to the influence of my peers, but I am now very careful with who I choose to allow in my life. Ultimately, I want to be around people who I am inspired by and who will encourage me to grow in the same direction.
Fifteen. There is so much joy in being creative. Whether it is making videos, or my own creations from Lego bricks, or writing, I feel a strong sense of being alive whenever I see an idea I have cast out from the void into the physical realm. Like a flare signalling to the world, illuminating the sky to say that I am here and this who I am.
One thing read/listened to/watched:
Britney Spears Was Never in Control: On the documentary Framing Britney Spears and how it lacks a closer examination of her agency as a young, teen pop-star.
To understand this era, you need to think in systems: A conversation about metacognition with the remarkable and incredibly prescient Dr Zeynep Tufekci.
How To Get The Most Out Of Your Daily Journal: My friend Al started a YouTube channel and this video was the push for me to migrate my physical journal to an app.
If you made it all the way here, thank you for reading.
I've just embarked on my thirties and I want to spend the next five to ten years getting better at something I've always been meaning to do but never had the guts to stay on course - writing.
You're welcome to join me on this practice, voyage of discovery, or whatever you want to call it! Do take this as an invitation to write back to let me know if anything resonated with you or if you just want to start a conversation.
Till the next one,
Al