I’ve been doing these year-end reviews since I started reading other people’s in 2018. 2021 was a doozy and we’re all either frustrated or exhausted but this exercise helps me avoid thoughts like ‘nothing good ever happens’.
This year’s format is largely the same as the one from last year, which is, as ever, inspired by my friend Al, who’s been a real source of inspiration in my own journey of introspection and growth.
So where were you and what were you doing when the clock hit midnight?
Pretty much the same as last year, eating and drinking with friends until it was time to go out on the balcony to look out for fireworks. Only this year the fireworks were considerably fewer because we’re still grieving.
What Did I Do This Year That Was Exciting?
The year felt like it was a split between things I could do before getting vaccinated and after getting vaccinated. Even so, it didn’t feel like it was safe to come up for breath, as fresh new hell continued to unfurl. Nevertheless, I found some things to be excited about in the midst of all the chaos.
My 30th Birthday
I turned 30 during lockdown. We weren’t allowed to meet with people irl so I organised a pub quiz on Gather.Town and it was an absolute blast to see my friends taking it so seriously and that there were still things they were surprised to find out about me.Started a Newsletter
At the start of 2021, I decided I wanted to become a better writer. I told myself that in the next 10 years, that was what I was going to focus my energy on. I hopped on the Substack bandwagon and started After Tutup - a newsletter about nothing and anything I wanted to talk about. It was partly exciting but mostly nerve-wracking because writing doesn’t come easy to me.
Some time in August, after being stuck at home for three months with no end in sight (again), I was grieving the possibility of losing my business. My initial fire and stamina for writing evaporated overnight. Just the mere thought of not being able to live up to the decade-long promise I made to myself further immobilised me.
Looking back, I probably should’ve heeded my own advice in 2020 to make small, realistic goals. I don’t know when or if I will return to the newsletter but it’s nice to know it’ll still be there when I’m ready.Got Vaccinated!
I signed up for AZ the moment the slots were released and got my appointment on the first try. Best feeling ever. As exhilarating as the time I got free backstage passes to meet Tegan and Sara. The effects were brutal and I was mostly useless for three days but anything is better than getting covid.Ran 5k
Right around the time I stopped writing was also the time I started running. In some way the forward movement made it feel like I was going somewhere even if all I was doing were laps around the taman. But honest to god, running sucks. Everyone who knows me knows just how much I hate voluntary sweating and heaving. It is however the only way (read: cheapest way) I know how to get out of my depressive funk. My pace hovered between 8:50/km - 9:50/km and I couldn’t run more than 3km at a time. But I worked hard and was consistent enough to get to 5km at around 7:30/km by the end of the year. It’s not impressive by any athletic means but it is a vast improvement for someone who usually whines at the idea of any strenuous activity.
I don’t think that the improvement has made me like running any more than I used to but what I need it to do for me, it does exceedingly well. Learning from my past mistakes, here is hoping 7k is not too far off.Hiked Bukit Gasing
I once scowled at a leaf I grazed past. But that is stale news now. Who knew trekking through the wilderness could be so exhilarating. My knees nearly gave out but when I made it to the end, I felt fucking invincible.Taking Photos
Another one of my lockdown projects was taking photos. It filled a creative hole usually occupied by cutting hair. I experimented with taking self-portraits and was surprised to discover that there is comfort in being able to pose for yourself.Celebrated 5 Years With Nine
Joyous and tender. We spent most of the day in relaxation and quiet conversations. Nine got me an Apple Watch and filled a jar of inexhaustive things she loves about me. I read one a day before bedtime and then grump about it to her because my standards are impossible.
What Did I Find Challenging?
Losing My Digital Files
The lesson here is to never procrastinate on saving all your important files to a drive or cloud system. It was only this year that I decided to switch from pen-and-paper journalling to digital journalling. I was in the middle of testing out the right app for me when my computer fried and took with it all of my journal entries and therapy notes from the first half of the year.
My memory has always been patchy and unreliable. Collecting and arranging my thoughts and experiences takes time and to have it all wiped out in seconds was incredibly frustrating.Mother Stuff
It’s been a year since I took a break from her and although much of the anger has dissipated, the hurt still lingers. I was faced with the possibility of speaking to her again when I found out she was quite ill but ultimately chose against it. And because of that decision, I had to not only deal with my personal feelings of guilt but also manage the expectations of other family members. This is possibly the hardest and most challenging thing I have had to deal with and I suspect it will continue to be so.Work
This time around was brutal. Another devastating blow to my business when they announced barbers needed to close. For a brief moment, I was frantically tidying up my CV, putting out feelers, and sending off job applications. For the briefest time, I decided to tuck my tools away for good. It proved harder than I thought having only been in the hairdressing industry for the last 5 years. I was completely demotivated and worn out after two tries. Idk how anyone can sustain the stamina to keep trying. The upside of it was that I didn’t get any offers, so I immediately went back to doing what I love when the ban lifted.
Where Did Most Of My Money Go?
Apple Products
I’ve had my MacBook Pro for a decade so with the release of their new M1 chip laptops, I decided to leap over to the new frontier. It seemed promising in the beginning until the logic board fried after two months of usage. I’ve never been disappointed by any Apple product since the advent of their iPods. Thankfully, since it came back from repairs, it hasn’t given me any problems.
I also upgraded from last year’s iPhone SE to the latest 13 mini. If the rumours are true, this might be the last of their mini line. I mainly upgraded for the better screen and camera. This device is a beast in the line of small phones.
Apple’s accessories are notoriously expensive but I also spent more money replacing shitty third-party ones. So if you’re gonna buy Apple, it makes zero sense to penny-pinch on accessories.Barber Tools
Whenever possible, I always want to give the best to my clients, and that also means splurging on the very best tools available in the market. This year, I invested in a Dyson hairdryer and a Ferrari-powered trimmer by BaBylissPro. Both things an absolute game changer for the finishing of haircuts and also for my wrists.Therapy
This was something I set out as a goal to do last year and I am happy to say this was the best damn decision I made for my life in 2021. I learned so much about myself and gained plenty of helpful tools to better take care of myself mentally and emotionally. It ain’t always sunshine and roses during sessions, but understanding where some of these negative voices come from, and taking control over the narrative I thought I was doomed to live out for the rest of my life, is worth the unpleasantness. It isn’t over, and there is still more work to be done, but I foresee therapy to be a process I will keep returning to as and when I need it.
What Are Some Of My Favourite Things?
Books
I started keeping track of books I've read since 2018 on Goodreads. My goal for 2021 was to read a book a month. I kept it low-stakes so I wouldn’t feel terrible if I didn’t make it. In the end, I managed 19 books. What this tells me is that small goals work for me and the Kindle is a godsend.
The Lonely City: Adventures in the Art of Being Alone - Olivia Laing
Perhaps the most comforting aspect of a book about loneliness is knowing you're not alone in feeling this way. Laing talks a lot about feeling isolated and it is only through watching, seeing, and studying art that she finds some sort of solace from the agony of exclusion. Likewise, I found comfort in sharing her fascination for the lives and work of some these artists she centres. The book is terrific in weaving the exploration of human connections and art as therapy. I really love the way Laing articulates these feelings of desolation - it is done with so much beauty and finesse, I had to continually pause to drink in her words again and again.Why Fish Don't Exist: A Story of Loss, Love, and the Hidden Order of Life - Lulu Miller
I absolutely loved this. I could never guess where it was taking me but the ride was chock-full of twists and turns, knocking me left and right to profound revelations. Lulu Miller is a deeply sensitive writer, whose ability to weave various genres together so seamlessly in a book less than 250 pages long is remarkable.Afropean: Notes from Black Europe - Johny Pitts
Quite the eye-opener to the lesser known parts of shiny, White Europe. It has made me want to visit Marseille. The most interesting parts of the book were the people he spoke to on his travels. I wish there were more of those. I also really liked his photographs of people - there is a feeling of momentary recognisance where in other circumstances, they would have been rendered invisible.Somebody’s Daughter - Ashley C. Ford
I picked this up on John Green's recommendation that it is one of his favourite books of the year. I am not familiar with the author but that didn't really matter. Her story - one of pain, confusion, and the grappling to make sense of it all - is deeply relatable even if I never had to go through much of the same affliction. Her honesty and vulnerability were repeatedly felt throughout the pages. At times, I could only manage two or three chapters before taking pause to collect myself. It's heavy but her writing showed me that there is strength in speaking truth to pain.The Anthropocene Reviewed - John Green
Could never quite get into his YA novels -- and I've read almost all of them -- but this I can totally get behind. Non-fiction John Green might just be my favourite John Green. Similar to the way he talks on the vlogbrothers channel about stuff he found interesting, his reflections in this book were equally earnest and thoughtful and exactly the dose of hope I needed.Say Nothing: A True Story of Murder and Memory in Northern Ireland - Patrick Radden Keefe
Nine is from NI and that was how I first came to know about the Troubles. As unaware as I was about the violence that had occurred in that part of the world, I was equally oblivious to the existence of NI. I had no idea it was part of the UK. Upon hearing the country’s name, I automatically assumed it was part of the Republic.
Anyway, this is all to say, that the history of NI is a complicated one. I have tried to wrap my head around the complex war a few times before but none was as clear and engaging as presented in this book. PRK’s work is immensely well-researched and incredibly humanising. It isn’t only about political factions and sectarian dimensions, he zooms in, investigating on a micro level into the lives of certain key players that — for good or terrible — played a role in the escalation or deescalation (depending on how you view it) of the conflict. There are parts of this that were a recounting of historical events but it was never dull. Mostly, I was on the edge of my seat immersed in a history rich in espionage, intrigue and betrayal.
TV Shows
I watched a lot of TV this year. More so than I have in the past four years. Partly because lockdown but mostly because I finally have a decent HD screen to watch things on.
HBO | Warrior
Period drama set during the Tong Wars in the late 1800s of San Francisco, written by Bruce Lee, brought to life by his daughter. I don’t know how nobody talked about this when it debuted. When I first heard the premise, I was sold. It’s chock full of high-energy, ass-kicking action — kinda like Peaky Blinders but with Kung Fu and hatchets. I tore through 2 seasons in three days while nursing the side effects from my AZ vaccine.Netflix | Nur
For a while, Nine and I were totally consumed by this Malay drama. It’s completely ridiculous and I still can’t believe we watched all two seasons of it. She wrote her thoughts on it in her newsletter and it is hilarious.Apple TV+ | Ted Lasso
When everything was dreary and bleak, Ted Lasso was a balm for the hangover of the soul. Admittedly, the first season was leaps and bounds better than the second one but I stayed because I really needed something feel-good for a change. I was genuinely surprised to watch a sports comedy that really hadn’t anything to do with the sport. Of course the show is not without its flaws — they try to take on some hard-hitting themes without acknowledging the toxicity in a predominantly male environment, so there are times it can feel a little too perfect, a little too far-fetched. But it’s also not often that we get to see TV portrayals of positive female friendships or healthy masculinity that don’t feel like a caricature of what feminism means.HBO | Succession
Truly what makes great TV. The heavy-lifting done mostly from dialogue. Very thrilling to watch a filthy rich family tear each other apart all while believing that they still love each other. Great writing, fantastic actors, and the best show I’ve seen in a while.
Films
Looking at my letterboxd account, it appears that I gave up logging films after March 2021. From my extremely short list and hazy memory, I remember enjoying
Minari (2020) - Dir Lee Isaac Chung
Beautiful storytelling, superb acting. I love stories that are vignettes of very specific things that happen to very specific people. Cried buckets.Caché (2005) - Dir Michael Haneke
I went into this assuming I would be watching a thriller. As it turns out, the film only uses the structure of what you might think is a thriller but really doesn't concern itself with resolving the whodunnit aspect. It is perhaps the least important question in the film. As Haneke asserts, to ask this question is to avoid asking the real question which is more: how do we treat our conscience and our guilt and reconcile ourselves to living with our actions? It's astonishingly cryptic, multifaceted, and one where discussions will continue to persist long after the credits roll.Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings (2021) - Dir Destin Daniel Cretton
Typical marvel stuff. I don’t really watch these expecting any different. Acting all around was terrible except for Tony Leung. He can do no wrong. It was quite surreal to see a Chinese MCU hero on the big screen for a change and we probably have miles to go before we do this right but right now I’ll take it because representation matters.Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021) - Dir Jon Watts
Got extremely misty-eyed watching this. This isn’t a good film by any stretch but nostalgia is a powerful feeling.
Podcasts
Made some new discoveries and listened to a lot more shows than I did last year but these were the ones I found myself returning to.
The Ezra Klein Show
The guests on his show are deep thinkers who very often manages to change my mind about things or the way I see the world. I’ve learned and discovered many new ways of thinking and living as well as been introduced to some really great reading material. Ones I have enjoyed from this year were What It Means To Be Kind In A Cruel World, The Author Behind ‘Arrival’ Doesn’t Fear AI. ‘Look How We Treat Animals’, Shame, Safety and Moving Beyond Cancel Culture, Can We Change Our Sexual Desires? Should We? But for me the most affecting of conversations was the one in Timeless Wisdom To Leading a Life of Love, Friendship and Learning.Switched On Pop
Two music professionals deconstructing pop music critically and I am so here for it. Super fun, accessible, and guaranteed to learn something new about your favourite pop songs. Favourite episodes were the four-part series on ANTHEMS, the five-part series on Beethoven’s The 5th, Why ABBA Songs Just Hit Different, Doja Cat’s “Say So” is a Masterclass In Good Times, and Were We Wrong About Kanye West?All Consuming
Two dudes reviewing mostly direct-to-consumer products but really just about anything they want. I liked the one from when they reviewed the vaccine they each got - Pfizer Moderna. Then there’s the time they reviewed NFTs and for a while I did believe in its potential but ultimately I still think it is widely inaccessible. Still a good episode if just to hear from an artist in Ethiopia whose made it big with selling art he calls Afromasks.Pop Culture Detective
Happy happy joy joy. My favourite YouTuber started a podcast. Pretty much the same stuff he’s always been doing ie investigating messages embedded in popular films and TV featuring in-depth discussion on themes of politics, race, and masculinity. But now I have something to tide me over while waiting for new releases on his channel.
Music
Some of my favourite albums released in 2021.
Peace Or Love - Kings Of Convenience
When this came out, we were still confined indoors, having not seen anyone for three months. It felt like a much-needed hug from someone I used to know.Sometimes I Might Be Introvert - Little Simz
Loved the lush and rich sounds from this orchestra-heavy rap album. Interludes are negligible but there are some cutting lines on the other tracks. The music video for Introvert is one of the best I’ve seen this year.Planet Her - Doja Cat
Major pop bangers. Raunchy, enjoyable, and great for dancing in the car.Afrique Victime - Mdou Moctar
Psychedelic rock in the desert. Electrifying solos, hypnotising with every brush but the title track came out on top.Collapsed In Sunbeams - Arlo Parks
Creamy, soothing vocals. Something I put on in the daytime while working at my desk.
Further listening: My other favourites released in 2021.
Apps
These are some of my favourite apps in 2021 used on either my MacBook or iPhone.
Day One
I’ve tried many journalling apps but I keep returning to this one. It’s easy to use, has a simple design, and syncs across all my devices so I can access my journal anytime. The less friction to get to my journal, the easier it is for me to sustain the habit.Todoist
I track all of my to-do projects and lists on this. Tried a bunch of others but had to pay if I wanted full access to their features. The free version on this is plenty enough for me. The best part is ticking them off right from my Apple watch.Autosleep
The sleep tracker that comes with Apple doesn’t cut it for me. Not enough analysis on my sleep patterns so I got Autosleep instead. The visuals are pretty cool to look at — it takes after the rings design similar to Activity on an Apple watch. One-time payment instead of a subscription is also a better deal.Strava
This running app is almost perfect except it is incredibly frustrating to add friends. I have only been using the free version and for a beginner I think it’s decent. Would consider subscribing if it weren’t for their ridiculous fees.Darkroom
While everyone is using Lightroom… I post all my photos on IG so it doesn’t really matter where I edit. Darkroom gives me enough control without it being too fiddly. I still use VSCO from time to time only because it has better filters.Notes
Okay so Apple Notes doesn’t get enough credit for being a really good note-taking app. Once I figured out how to use folders, it was clutter free. I like it so much, I drafted my entire Year-End Review on it.Stashaway
Was recommended this app for diversifying my finances. I haven’t used it long enough to see its benefits but the user experience on this is phenomenal plus the minimal design makes organising my finances more approachable and less daunting.Spotify for music but Apple Podcasts for podcasts.
Moments / Memories / Montage
Third tattoo from Rynny
It’s been two years since my last one. And she keeps getting better and better with every visit.Tried out some new recipes
One of my 2020 goals was to try a new recipe and this year I learned how to make three new things. Some devilled eggs, Swiss Rosti (guide available on my IG Highlights), and Ling’s Spicy Sesame Peanut Noodles. Thanks to Ling, I now keep a jar of chilli flakes in oil at home. Game changer.Sunday walks with friends
Early in the year, a few friends and I would meet up on Sundays to walk around a neighbourhood in PJ before getting some bakes and enjoying them at a park nearby. It was a really wholesome way to spend my days off.Walked to Thean Hou Temple
I finally made the trek with Nine to the temple she has been asking me to go to since I moved in with her. The journey wasn’t far or difficult but I also don’t do that much walking in the city so it was all very novel and exciting. We weren’t allowed to enter cause lockdown but from where we stood, I finally understood why so many people got married there.Lockdown Picnic
Gotta get creative about what to do for date days when you’re stuck indoors for a long time. Never been to France but I decided that’s the vibe I wanted so I ordered fresh flowers, whipped up some finger food and pretended we were having a picnic in the great Parisian outdoors.First time on BFM
I was invited to talk about the hairdressing business after coming out of a second? third? who-even-knows lockdown. It was pre-recorded so the nerves were under control. It turned out better than I thought except I was misnamed Ai Siew live on radio. Story of my life.Haircuts
Not a bad year in cuts. Tried out new techniques, met new faces, and deepen connections with some regulars.Food & Drink
When I tasted kombucha for the first time it was terrible. The worst hype to come out from hipsters. Just glorified apple cider vinegar. Then my friend, Al told me to give WILD kombucha a try and after that something inside me snapped. That was all I drank for two months.
I am a little lactose intolerant but I make allowances for cheese baskets from @kelah.my
Not forgetting, @kek.ni the macarons and pies we ordered for two consecutive years for our birthdays/anniversary treats.Al’s Sembang & Kembang
Al organised a thing where he would go to KL Lake Gardens every Sunday afternoon for a whole month and anyone can just show up to hang with him. Me, Nine, Grace and Aizyl decided to be his first participants. Al cracked open some sparkling orange drink. Grace couldn’t find the spot but made it eventually. Aizyl explained why he hated Squid Game. And as previously mentioned, nature isn’t very much my thing, so Nine watched me disapprovingly while I made faces at ants in the grass. It was a day to remember. We sat and talked and laughed until the sun went down.Every meal/coffee/drink shared with
Dad & Grace, Lilly, Siew Lee, Arthur, Mardy, Emily, Andrea, Ravin, Yan and family.
Ames’ Birthday
Bougie coffee, walking malls, matching t-shirts
Bento lunch, pink guitar out of stock, crabs by the roadside
Upgrade at The Ormond, a couple of happy boisEmotional hotpot parties
First we eat, then we cry. Shane had this great idea of playing We’re Not Really Strangers at every birthday gathering then someone would inevitably end up in tears by the end of it. It’s nice being part of a support system that constantly shows up for one another in more ways than just celebrations.
Seeing my grandmother again after nearly 2 years
The pandemic was felt most when I couldn’t see my grandma until we were all vaccinated. But it was also this time that our conversations expanded and although it hardly spills over to the personal, I do feel a sense of closeness not previously felt.First hotel staycation during pandemic times
Something about the smell of a hotel room. Maybe it’s the bathrobes. Or the never-ending news cycle from BBC World that Nine and I bonded so much over. Whatever it is, it’ll never get old.Christmas at Vizla’s
A Christmas tradition, three years running.
What Did I Learn?
Growth is not linear
Running is a lot like life in that its progress is not a straight line in one direction. There are good and bad days. There will be setbacks but there will also be incredible milestones. The failures say nothing about me because they come and go, as do the achievements. The thing to focus on is neither of these, but the desire to keep going until we no longer can.Be generous with your resources
Whenever possible, give give give — your money, time, energy. There is more than enough to go around but large portions of society continue to be left behind because of unscrupulous governance and corrupt systems. Some of us will never have to live a day fearing for our lives so if we have the capacity to care, to share, we ought to make the world a little less scary place to be.Does it diminish or enlarge you?
The question to ask before making any decision is not what makes me the happiest but what will help me grow as a person. Predicting what makes us happy is largely bogged down by our need for security and control. Oftentimes our motivations tend to come before our actions, but if living a meaningful life is what we’re after, then it matters what questions we ask ourselves.
What Are Some Of My 2022 Goals?
Self-compassion
I want to be better at embracing the many versions of myself from past to present. Whether or not I was proud of that person then or wished I had done things differently, it was the person I needed to be in order to become the person I am now. There is no sense in admonishing the past self for outcomes that no longer can be changed. We only have now to decide how we want to be.Buy less stuff
I’ve spent considerably more during the pandemic than I have in any period of my life. Call it revenge spending or retail therapy but I think it’s time to reel it in and be more mindful of where my money is going.Building pre-migration resilience
I’ve been putting off thinking about all the possible challenges I may face when the time comes. We will be postponing this inevitability for another year but I need to start doing the emotional work to have a better idea of how I can make a life far from home.
—
1st January 2022
As is customary, Nine reminds me to start the year as I mean to go on. Made zero plans but said yes to a last minute hang with some friends at the mall like it was college semester break in 2010. Ended the night doing one of my favourite things in life, sharing a meal and shooting the breeze with good company.