I've been doing these year end reviews since 2018 but every year they take different forms. This year's format is inspired by, my friend Al, whose blog I've devoured in its entirety because he is always off either doing or learning something interesting, and I want that for my life too.
So where were you and what were you doing when the clock hit midnight?
I was drunk on the balcony of the cat palace anticipating the usual display of fireworks that would normally fill our entire view around the building (there were like three) surrounded by friends I started the year with and friends I've known for less than that. It was surreal to have made it to the end of the year with most of my sanity intact but mainly to have made it in COVID-free good health.
We laughed, we hugged and we drank some more - so much so we forgot to take a photo before Ames left. Soon after, Nine and I collapsed into bed, our hearts as full as our bellies.
What Did I Do This Year That Was Exciting?
1. My 29th Birthday Soiree
I organised my first birthday soiree after a series of disappointing ones in the past. Normally I would just spend it pretty low-key at a fast food restaurant, buying socks or doing my taxes. But this year I decided to drop the pity party so I booked a swanky suite, prepared some bougie finger food, demanded that Juan make me his infamous tortilla, and surrounded myself with people I love. I told them not to buy me gifts but instead to write me a letter of a happy memory we have together.
2. (Kind of) Moving Out
Nine and I moved out of the cat palace in January. We were looking to move out after S came back for her cats and we eventually found a cosy studio apartment somewhere in PJ. Coincidentally, it was on the same floor as my best friend's unit. It was devastating when we had to move back to the cat palace as I was just getting used to my new routine of going swimming with him every other night. It was short-lived on nobody's fault but borders alone but had we not done so, the cats would have been abandoned and we can't have that.
3. Staying At Home
Although I would never explicitly say that the pandemic was exciting, it was definitely a new experience and so was the lockdown that followed even if for the most awful of reasons. I don't think I've ever had this much time off since I was studying in university. Aside from the anxieties of not having a stable income for three months, I was very much enjoying the freedom of doing things for myself again. I even had space for participating in community work - raising funds, engaging in civil society discourse, and my personal favourite - heckling big corp on social media.
4. Making An Online Zine During Lockdown
For the first few days, I felt like I needed to spring into action looking for a project. The possibilities were endless but I couldn't come up with anything I was excited about. Thankfully, Erin came up with an idea for a collective zine making project that featured prompts they came up with for two weeks and all I had to do was answer them in any format I wanted to.
5. Learning To Make Spanish Tortilla
When Juan went back to Berlin, I realised it'll be a long while before I can have his tortilla again. Not wanting to wait that long again, I decided to make it myself. I thought it wouldn't be that difficult, it's only eggs and potatoes after all, so the first time I cooked it, I didn't use a recipe - just intuition. It was a disaster, I burnt the onions and the whole thing crumbled because I didn't use enough eggs. Lesson learned. Found a recipe from Omar Allibhoy and got to work. Let's just say that now whenever anyone sees me, they'll request for one.
6. Reconnecting With My Grandmother
I've always had anxieties calling my grandmother. I would see her every Chinese New Year - a bit older and frail - feeling guilty that I don't call as often as I should. The thing is our calls are always the same, two minutes about the weather, what our meals were for the day, and a reminder for me to drink more water. There is a lot she doesn't acknowledge of my life and so our conversations can never find their way deeper. I always felt more empty after the call. But the pandemic has a way of reflecting what matters in times of crisis and so I made a pledge to phone weekly despite the nature of the conversations. She was understandably reticent at first having not heard from me since CNY but over time the joy evident in her voice whenever she picks up the phone and knows it's me was enough to keep me going.
What did I find challenging?
1. The End of a Friendship
I'm not going to go into details of what happened but it was one of the hardest things I had to go through during the lockdown. The worst part of this was the realisation that it wasn't even up to us, that in order to save their relationship, this had to be done. I don't think I was quite myself for the first two weeks after we said goodbye.
2. Taking A Break From My Mother
I don't know how to get into this without going into depth about the kind of relationship I had with my mom growing up. It was turbulent to say the least and after four years of serenity, all hell broke loose once again. All I can say is, I was lulled into a sense of security and let her in more than I normally would, thinking that things are different now, only to be slapped back to reality. I don't think I am ready to forgive her grievances against me. I'm trying to set boundaries while not feeding into feelings of guilt and shame surrounding rejecting a parent.
3. Work
For a moment we didn't know if we were going to make it out alive. We still don't. This cyclical feeling of possibly losing my business is draining. This will not only affect my livelihood but will inevitably put a dent in my savings, which I worked very hard to accumulate again after my big surgery in 2019.
Where did most of my money go?
1. Desk Setup
I was spending so much time at my desk this year I thought I would spruce it up a bit like one of those aesthetic setups I see all the time on Instagram. I bought a desk mat, a bluetooth mouse, a mechanical keyboard and a Harman/Kardon speaker - the full experience.
2. iPhone SE 2020
I got this phone for two reasons: 1) because I wanted back into the Apple ecosystem and it was the only iPhone I could afford and 2) IG stories, especially video, work better and smoother on an iPhone than any android phone. Aside from that, there was really nothing wrong with my previous Xiaomi 8. In fact, the battery on that is solid, I could go a full day without charging it.
3. Alcohol
I'm not proud of this one but we all found ways to cope in 2020. Some people have dalgona coffee, I have alcohol. I think I had a drink or two nearly every day for as long as the lockdown was imposed. Mostly excited that you can have craft beer delivered!
4. Wedding Rings
I found a local jeweller that made custom wedding rings and after our initial correspondence via email, I knew I had to go with them. Nine and I were supposed to get married this year so we planned for the rings to be ready just in time for the wedding but the world had other plans. Regardless, we couldn't be happier with the finished product and decided that it doesn't matter that we're wearing them already because our commitment to each other isn't dependent on a piece of paper. Much like these rings, there's nothing quite like this love.
What are some of my favourite things?
Books
I started keeping track of books I've read since 2018 on Goodreads. I regret every day that I didn't do this sooner. I didn't read as many books as I liked this year even with all the time at home. Partly because my anxieties were getting in the way of focus and concentration and partly because I was watching films instead.
These are some good ones out of my tiny reading list this year.
1. In The Dream House - Carmen Maria Mercado
On the subject of abuse and gaslighting, I don't think I've personally felt so seen from a book. As soon as I started, I couldn't put it down. The writing is excellent, the pain so raw and relatable. Reading this felt like rubbing a bruise over and over again until the pain becomes a satisfying numbness.
2. Getting Under Sail - Brannavan Gnanalingam
It's the kind of travel writing I wish I could write. You'd think there wouldn't be much to say when most of the book was really more about the commute rather than the things he did in Africa but somehow it delivers. Punchy, funny, well-paced with some thought-provoking reflections from the author. Sometimes it's truly about the journey rather than the destination.
3. Swimming With Sharks - Joris Luyendijk
This book confirmed what little I knew of the world of finance. Surprise, surprise, the financial sector is amoral. What we have here is another driver of systemic issues in our already never-ending problem filled capitalist world, it's a shame we are all in the backseat.
4. Eating Animals - Jonathan Safran Foer
This one is a big one for me. Before this book, I was already experimenting with pescatarianism. I picked up this book because I was looking for that extra push to stop eating meat altogether. It worked.
I really appreciate Foer’s tone in that it wasn’t at all judgmental. I’m not a fan of PETA’s approach and was semi-bracing myself for a stunt like theirs. To my surprise, Foer doesn’t shove facts and statistics down your throat until you concede but takes the time to explore food as part of our cultural systems, the farms rooting for animal welfare, the arguments for eating meat, and why conversations surrounding this are difficult and change is slow.
I underestimated how much harm I perpetuated by the choices of what I ate. It’s not that we don’t think about it, I think on some level we do but it’s shocking how unbelievably easy it is to be cruel. And to make that decision every day, sometimes multiple times a day with our indifference is confronting. If animal-borne diseases aren’t warning signs that eating meat is a cycle of destruction striking back with a vengeance, I don’t know what is.
Not many books have the ability to change such an integral part of myself. I’m glad this one did because if permitted our choice should always be compassion and kindness.
5. Open Book - Jessica Simpson
I first heard of this book from my friend Deborah who heard about it from the podcast You're Wrong About. As soon as I finished listening to all three episodes, I knew I had to read it to savour all of its juicy details again. I normally wouldn't use Audible because Amazon but I couldn't wait to get my hands on a physical copy so I signed up and devoured it just before the free trial ended. Her book is surprisingly insightful if not earnest and sincere. More than anything, I loved that she was so unapologetically ditsy.
TV Shows
When I say TV shows, I really mean Netflix. I know there are better streaming sites out there but I also can't be bothered to pay for more than one. Netflix has been known to come up with some mediocre content but once in a while, we get lucky. These are some of my favourite discoveries.
Hitler's Circle of Evil
I wasn't aware of the intricacies of Hitler's rise to power until this documentary. I was surprised to find a lot of it had depended on the jostling for power between his henchmen. It is a fascinating documentary, much better than the average historical docus you get on the History channel. There are repetitive moments but overall well presented. Great foundation for anyone looking to learn more about the Third Reich and its implications.
Also, Hugo Boss made the SS uniforms??!!
The People v. O. J. Simpson: American Crime Story
I was three years old when this made headlines in American news. I didn't know much about it but it kept coming up as references in other tv shows that I would go on to watch as a teenager. The name OJ, in my head, just became synonymous with this mega pop culture thing that happened that I didn't really know anything about. I did a preliminary search when I was 15 or 16 but couldn't remember if he was acquitted or not. One night, I chanced upon it again on Twitter, about Sacha Baron Cohen interviewing OJ in disguise, and I thought I'd find out once and for all. This of course then led me to listen to all the episodes on this subject on You're Wrong About.
David Schwimmer as Bob Kardashian will forever live rent-free in my head now.
Blood of Zeus
It's an anime-inspired tv show about Greek Mythology, half gory, fully epic. What's not to love?
Films
I watched 64 films this year, mostly films that weren't from 2020. This was also the year I discovered new favourites. I started properly using letterboxd so the quotes below are plucked directly from my reviews on the site.
These are the ones that stood out to me.
Portrait Of A Lady On Fire (2019) - Dir Céline Sciamma
I felt this viscerally. The ratings were so high on letterboxd, it turned the stars into fire. All I got to say is believe the hype, the hype is real.
Every frame a painting. This film had a lasting impact on me. After several days, I still find it lingering in my mind. A lot of what can be said about this film is in fact in all the spaces where much isn't said - it's in the gaze, the textures, the paintings. It's a beautiful film in all senses, from the writing to the cinematography.
The Favourite (2018) - Dir Yorgos Lanthimos
There are just some films you watch that make you feel so incredibly grateful that you lived to witness this. This is one such film for me.
From the opening scene of Olivia Colman, I knew it was gonna be a hell of a ride. Absolutely stunning visuals, great storytelling, masterful acting, the most absurd of all period pieces I've seen. Honestly, what can't Yorgos Lanthimos do?
Certified Copy (2010) - Dir Abbas Kiarostami
I watched this twice. Once alone and once with Nine. I loved it even more the second time around.
A dissection of art, philosophy, relationships and romance compressed under two hours:
What is truth and what is not? To me, not an important distinction here. I wholly surrendered to the experience of this cinematic stroll through Tuscany with two charming individuals. And decided that ultimately what is real is the emotions I feel and how it speaks to me.
Roma (2018) - Dir Alfonso Cuarón
I first noticed the cinematography from the trailer and I thought it was an interesting stylistic choice for making it black-and-white.
I really liked how the film opens - cement floor, wet pavement, gentle sweep of the water, ambient noises of dogs barking, birds chirping. In just the first few minutes of the film, you can already feel the drudgery of a domestic worker's life.
Force Majeure (2014) - Dir Ruben Östlund
Nobody knows for sure how they would react face-to-face with a threat. We can all make bold claims but we won't ever know for a fact. I'm going to say no more lest I give away too much.
Phantom Thread (2017) - Dir Paul Thomas Anderson
Exquisite in every way. What a performance from Daniel Day Lewis.
Wajib (2017) - Dir Annemarie Jacir
Al invited Nine and I over to watch this with him. It would've been his third viewing by then. I made it a personal rule to always watch the films he tells me to watch because I trust his taste and his recommendations have never let me down.
This is the kind of writing on father/son relationships I would love to see more on the big screen. So many great characters, great chemistry all around. Simple yet perfect storytelling. Wajib viewing.
Podcasts
The only time I listen to a podcast is on my 25 minute commute to work and back. I am not a fan of listening to several different shows at once only because podcasts as a medium always feels (to me at least) like you have to be there on day one otherwise you miss out on an inside joke or some detail about the show's history. Maybe I just have intense FOMO but I'm the type of listener who will comb through most if not all of the episodes starting from the beginning.
This year I've been mainly listening to You're Wrong About. Michael Hobbes and Sarah Marshall are the hosts of this show about reconsidering a person or an event from the past that has been miscast in the public imagination. I really appreciate the amount of effort and research they put into retelling someone's (sometimes) misunderstood life. Some stories have been known to be broken down into several episodes spanning months. Sarah once said she ended up sitting in her closet for six hours recording because there's just so much to talk about in a person's life and how all the facts matter to try to paint as full of a picture as they can. That level of care in their storytelling has my total respect.
Some episodes that I've enjoyed: Kurt Cobain And "Copycat Suicide", Quarantine Deep Dive: Jessica Simpson's Open Book, Anastasia, The OJ Simpson Trial, The Obesity Epidemic, Multiple Personality Disorder.
I dip in and out of Radiolab whenever I'm in the mood for long scientific explainers. Lulu Miller is one of the co-hosts of the show and she recently wrote a book called Why Fish Don't Exist: A Story of Loss, Love, and the Hidden Order of Life, which I'm waiting for in the mail.
Some episodes that I've enjoyed: Falling, The Wubi Effect.
I was looking for some history-related podcasts and stumbled upon BBC Radio's You're Dead To Me. I liked the topics but some of the guests on the show were really grating so I gave up after a while but there was one episode that I found surprisingly interesting and it's the one on Spartans.
Games
I don't play a lot of games because they are quite expensive especially on the Nintendo Switch. But when I do play, I dedicate hours to it.
1. Animal Crossing
This lockdown didn't feel quite as lonely because I was on Animal Crossing for most of it. The first and last thing I touched every day was my console and it wouldn't have worked out if all my friends weren't on it too. The game allows you to decorate your house and island, visit your friends, gift each other presents, take photos, hang out - so kind of like the Sims but on an island and cuter. This game was released just as many countries were going into lockdown so a lot of people I knew were on it and I even managed to reconnect with some old friends from high school. I don't think a game has ever made me feel this connected to people, especially in a time when we were social distancing.
2. Hades
The other game that I've been steadily obsessed with is about Greek gods and family feud. You play as the son of Hades, undermining your father to break out of the underworld to discover the truth about your family. It's a fast-paced, rogue-like, hack-and-slash game that doesn't miss a beat. Masterful storytelling, dazzling graphics and the best game to come out of Supergiant Games. It's not often that games like these would give so much attention to the storybuilding and its dialogue but I was quite moved by the end of it.
Oh did I mention you get to cosy up on some hot gods?
Moments / Memories / Montage
Katrina's Birthday Party
Drove to Seremban for a birthday party. Can't recall when was the last time I'd been there. Had plenty of fun. Tried a sweet apam for the first time. Met a few new faces. Found out someone at the party had a close relationship with my estranged aunt. Life is bizarro.
Completing the Train-the-Trainer Course
Being able to cut hair is not the same as being able to teach the skill. A lot of it is being able to explain why I'm doing what I'm doing, and when you've been cutting hair for a long time, you sometimes lose the vocabulary. This course was a great reminder that it is very easy to become complacent in the hair industry when you're working the grind but there is always something new to discover even in the things we think we know.
Juan's Visit to KL
This guy is the reason why I got interested in making tortillas. I met him through Nine who met him through couchsurfing (she has a lot of good stories from that) in 2008 at Barcelona. They've been close ever since. This year was his second visit to KL and it's always a treat to spend time with him talking about travel, life, and relationships.
Sam's Birthday Pub Quiz
First of all, this is probably the hardest pub quiz I've ever done in my life. And I've done a lot - my dad is an excellent trivia master - but even this is no match for his intellect. This is also probably the most well-organised pub quiz I've ever done in my life. I went on to do another two by her. It was a brilliant idea, skilfully executed by an equally talented human bean.
Raising Money For Tenaganita
This NGO holds a special place in my heart, so being able to use my work to raise funds for it during the lockdown - especially with the increasingly frequent crackdowns on migrants and refugees - felt like the least we could do. They work to address issues of exploitation, discrimination, unequal treatment, and violence against women, refugees and migrant workers. If you want to help, they accept donations here.
Celebrating Mongolia's Traditional Festival
I'm always excited to have a chance to see how people mark and celebrate the important events that happen in their life. This year we got invited to celebrate Naadam with Undariya and her family and it was a lovely experience. I remember being quite awkward about the food only because I had quit beef and they had beef in literally everything. It was fine in the end because they were also not short on vodka.
Lunches & Dinners Organised by Wayne
One of my goals this year was to develop a deeper understanding of the food we ate - where it comes from and how it's made. Joining him and his cohort on these eating expeditions, my palate has considerably improved as well as my appreciation for the culinary arts. I won't call myself an expert but I can now tell what a good croissant is supposed to be like, well at least how the French intended them to be.
Housecall
I was asked to make a house visit by a regular client to cut hair for his two twin babies. I've done a few of these before but this one felt special. I hung around a bit after I packed up, then he offered me some beer and we just sat in the garden, talking, his kid occasionally running over to give her dad a little show and tell. I am never going to have kids myself but it was nice to see how genuinely excited he is to be a father. After a while, he got up to sort dinner while I sat there enjoying the scenes of his family going about their evening, thinking to myself that some kids are luckier than others, some kids have parents who love parenting and are actually good at it.
Reconnecting with Old Friends
I think 2020 is definitely the year people have either renewed or deepened friendships. I'm happy to say I experienced both.
Deborah's Birthday Tea Party
It was a blast. Delicious treats, hilarious conversations. The day I discovered I like cream puffs only if they are from Fari and Ali.
Christmas at Vizla's
She made us a vegetarian spread with mulled wine on the side. It was a small but cosy Christmas celebration for four and I adored every second of it. We got drunk and watched the Princess Bride. Afterwards, we talked until I fell asleep on her couch and really that's what everyone needs on Christmas - food, wine, and friends you can call family.
Boxing Day Hike with Ames + Co
I say hike but they would argue otherwise. Okay but it was two hours long and not on flat roads even if it's inside a park. The point is, it was brutal and I suffered a sore hip the very next day. Weird thing is, I'd be up for doing it again.
Spending Time with Nine
Grateful for every second we spent together especially so in the last year. Lockdown was an emotionally depressing and physically draining time for the both of us but I'm so glad we had each other in spite of it. For all our coffee on the balcony, reading at breakfast, work lunches, evening walks, Netflix before bed, birthday cakes, and anniversary dates - it wouldn't mean anything if it wasn't with her.
What Did I Learn?
Make small, realistic goals
I learned in the past that if I want to start a new habit I should always make it small. Small enough that I know it's impossible to fail. I wanted to read more books last year but I knew that in the pandemic, my focus and attention was shot, so I aimed for something doable - one book a month. It was low stakes, low pressure so by the end of the year, I was surprised I made it to 13 books. I felt so accomplished, it gave me the confidence to increase my reading goal this year.
It's okay to rest
Yes, it is another pandemic-related lesson. Contrary to what productivity bros would have me believe, it is indeed okay to take a break sometimes especially when we are in the middle of a pandemic. These aren't normal times, but normal times weren't normal either, it's just that now we realise that our model for living, our relationship with work, is very much tied to the machine of capitalism. What we've been taught - that if you just find a job you love, you won't have to work a day in your life - is complete horse shit. People romanticise a career to feel better about selling their best years to wage slavery. And I'm not buying it anymore.
Don't compare
This is something I'm still learning and struggling with. It's easy most days but on days when I'm battling with self-doubt, then all the feelings of inadequacy come rushing back in droves. I can't say I've found the cure for it but I'm taking steps to quiet that voice inside me.
What are some of my 2021 goals?
Start Therapy
This one has been a very long time coming. I put it off because I thought I could process on my own a lot of the trauma and baggage I carry with me from childhood, but I think I want to go into my 30s having shed some of this burden.
Learn To Cook A New Dish
The tortilla was a great hit and I'm looking to try something new. Hit me with some recommendations if you have any. Vege options only!
Make My Own Website / Start A Blog
It's 2021 and I can't believe I haven't figured out how to do this yet.
I want to write more this year. I say that every year but so far I have not been able to keep it up. Let's hope this annual review is a promising start for what's to come.
1st January 2021
I watched Cats on the first day of 2020. What I didn't expect was how it would set the tone for the rest of the year.
This year I took no chances, I stayed at home and slept off my hangover. I told Nine how blissful it was and her perfect response was, "start the year as you mean to go on: not being perpetually kancheong about productivity."
And that's just what I'll do.