7. The Art Of Gathering Virtually
At the end of December 2019, I finished reading The Art Of Gathering by Priya Parker. It was two months before my 29th birthday so I decided to model my party after some of her approaches. There was a lot of ground to cover and if I were to go truly by the book, two months wouldn't be enough time for me to prepare. Instead, I focused on the principles I thought were feasible and left the rest of the night, against Parker's advice, to chance. Even so, I believe it was successful (based on the amount of times people have brought it up with me in conversation) largely because of her wisdom.
Fast forward to 2021 - the era of virtual parties catalysed by our social distancing practices. I have attended enough virtual events to last six lifetimes. It is, as most of us would agree, primarily awkward, uninspiring, and rife with tedium. It's always the same rigmarole of apologies for interrupting someone midway because of connection lags or getting interrupted by someone who just entered the room. Chances are, you spent more time deliberating when to inject yourself into conversation than actually having meaningful connections. We know by now that our online tools just aren't equipped to facilitate the dynamics of IRL meetings, leading us to 2020's theme of the year: Zoom fatigue.
While I'm conscious of the inadequacies of a virtual party, I also wanted to spend my 30th with people I love and care about. I got the idea to do a trivia night from attending a friend's pub quiz on their birthday last year. I hoped that my virtual party could be equally meaningful if not memorable. Parker was once again the go-to resource in hosting my first online party. Her techniques are primarily geared towards face-to-face meetings but the principles are essentially the same for virtual gatherings.
Have A Clear Purpose
Before we gather, we have to examine the deeper reasons behind why we gather. Parker urges us to get specific about what we want to accomplish and achieve from the gathering. Celebrating a birthday or spending time with friends may sound like a purpose but it is really a category in disguise. The problem with categories is we settle on formulaic activities, boxing ourselves into a template.
In my case, the category was a birthday party but my purpose was:
to have my friends get to know me better
to introduce my friends to one another and foster new connections
to take a personal risk or do something that scared me
The more focused and specific the gathering is, the more enthusiasm it rouses. I chose pub quiz as the medium and designed it to facilitate these purposes.
Don't Invite Just Anybody
Contrary to what they say, it is not the more the merrier. Deciding who to invite is crucial in ensuring that the event's purpose be fulfilled. Too much of a mixed bag can threaten the harmony of the group dynamics. Excluding people thoughtfully and purposefully keeps in focus our generosity to our guests and our purpose.
When planning my guest list, the rule was that every person I invited must know at least one other person in the event. This was to avoid anyone feeling left out or awkward in a video call, especially when there would be interaction.
Where To Gather
There are a multitude of online platforms at our disposal. So which one is best for the purposes of our event?
There are a few things to consider before jumping onto whichever one is free to use. The platform of choice informs the behaviour of our guests. If Zoom is too formal, perhaps Google Meet is a better option. Or maybe our choice depends on certain features we might need, like screen-sharing or breakout rooms. Either way, the "location" will determine which version of our guests will be in attendance. As hosts, we have to strive to bring out their fullest versions in order to fulfil our purpose.
For my event, I decided on Gather Town. A pixelated virtual space where users can walk around select rooms and engage in video conversation based on their proximity to one another. I chose this primarily because I could customise rooms to mimic IRL spaces, and honestly having 2D avatars (reminiscent of early Pokemon days) walking around really sets the tone for the party.
No-chill
People assume that by being a chill host, a whatever-goes host, makes for a relaxed environment for their guests. On the contrary, Parker warns that if we leave our guests to themselves, they will be left to one another. When hosts abdicate their powers as hosts, they are giving an opportunity for someone else to take charge. This might induce confusion and discomfort among our guests and steer the event in a direction not of our purpose. Our guests have chosen to come into our spaces and so expect us to take the lead - respectfully, gently, and well.
The design of the pub quiz worked well here because I was fully in control of the space. Video calls without structure leave an open door for people to interrupt even if they didn't mean to. This can be highly disruptive in a space where we cannot anticipate in real time when another person wants to speak. If we make it so that one person gets to present or talk at a time, there will be less friction. As hosts of virtual spaces, we have to be quick in reading the room and diligent in holding the reins of conversation.
Prime The Guest
Don't waste the window of opportunity that comes before the actual event. We can use this time to feed the anticipation of our guests so that they come prepared and in the mood, well ahead of our time together. According to Parker, the less priming we do in this pre-game window, the more work awaits us during the gathering itself.
Priming can be as simple as naming our gathering or asking guests to contribute to the purpose of the gathering. It isn't so much about the task but an attempt to give them a taste of what is to come, and in return for them to give us their commitment.
The rule of thumb is never to start with logistics but instead launch the process with some sort of human interaction. I initiated my invitations in two steps: first, by naming my gathering and letting people know what that involved. Then just as I sent out the meeting link, I asked them to also think of some advice on turning 30 to share at the gathering for my benefit and for everyone else present. This ushers an appropriate state of mind to the event and creates a connection amongst the guests.
End With Closure
Too often events either end abruptly or hosts passively allow them to peter out. Closing a gathering is as crucial as our pre-game arrangements. We want to leave a lasting impression on our guests long after they have gone home or logged off. Think of it the way we would when watching a film - after a great crescendo, we expect to be ushered back down slowly into our reality. We have created a temporary alternative space in our gathering, so it is our duty to help guests close that world and contemplate on the experience they just had.
Parker suggests that a strong closing has two phases: looking inward and turning outward. We ought to connect our guests one last time through recalling not what we did but who we were while in that gathering. It is also likely that our guests have received new information by attending our event and so sharing their thoughts on it will prepare us all for reentry into the world.
When the pub-quiz section of the party ended, I said my thank yous quickly and proceeded to usher them into reflecting on their feelings about the gathering. It was the perfect segue for us to exchange delight in one another and to honour the friendship before they logged off.
What we hope to achieve here is to remind people of why we initiated this gathering in the first place. I believe if we were a little more attentive and intentional with the way we held our gatherings - online or offline - it would lead to profound outcomes in our lives.
One thing read/listened to/watched:
SCARY COOL SAD GOODBYE 13 This whole interview with the writer's ex-fiance is wild. The dude is fascinating but I s2g only white Americans can get away with shit and live to tell the story. At times, it felt like I was reading about a Jesse Pinkman caricature - you know the one.
Why Sci-Fi Legend Ted Chiang Fears Capitalism, Not A.I. I've seen Arrival but I wasn't really a fan until I read Exhalations. Reading his work of brilliance took me to another level of consciousness so being able to hear him talk about ideas on this show was an invaluable experience.
Satisfaction: Mug There is something really soft and pleasurable about watching people work especially people who work with their hands.
One Sunday ICYMI or if you're not following me on IG here's a short short video I made recently of a Sunday in my life. I had a lot of fun putting this together so I hope you'll enjoy it too!
That's all for now! Although MCO 3.0 is upon us, I hope your virtual gatherings will incite FOMO among your associates.
Al